A Word to Seminary Wives

Guys, now’s the time when you go, make your wife a cup of tea, take the kids outside, and let her curl up on the couch with this blog. You’ll be glad you did.

I am so thankful for the unique opportunity of simultaneously being a seminary student and a seminary wife at the same time. Occasionally this feels a bit odd. At Multnomah there is a Student Wives Fellowship, a group that meets monthly in order for wives to feel more connected to each other. I never felt like that was the place for me. I wondered, Where is the Student Husbands Fellowship? Yeah, there isn’t one. Because, let’s face it, the majority of students in seminary are males. Trends are changing, but no matter what your position is on women in ministry, women will always have the unique and treasured job of childbearing, which means we will likely be spending more time changing diapers than studying theology.

However, I’m so thankful for the opportunity to be in seminary with my husband, and it’s made me aware of a few things I’d love to share with you. Whether you’re considering seminary, enrolled in your first year, or focused on the upcoming finish line, I pray this can be an encouragement to an inevitably weary soul.

Make Decisions Together

First, what I’ve discovered is that when our husbands sense God’s call to go to seminary, it is critical that we are in wholehearted agreement. If not, talk to him about it! The best piece of advice Jeff and I ever received with regards to making significant life decisions was, “Whatever you do, make sure you’re in total agreement. No matter what decision you make, if you’re both on board, you’ll make it through together.” We’ve succeeded and failed in this area. This past year we’ve been living with my parents in order to finish seminary full-time and have help with our 18-month-old son while we’re in class. Leaving our jobs, home, town, church, friends, and moving in with parents has been harder than we’d ever imagined. At times I’ve felt tempted to become bitter, murmuring to myself, “Why did I have to give up my home and my life so that Jeff could quit work to go to seminary?! I had to give up everything!” Whenever I’m tempted with these thoughts, you know what keeps me from going there?—remembering that we made this decision together. Together we decided to move, together we discerned this was God’s will, together we packed up all we owned and moved into their two guest bedrooms. I’m not a victim—we’re in this together.

So if your husband’s contemplating the call, seek God with all your heart to make sure you’re on the same page. Jeff teaches at a small Bible school in a nearby town, and sadly he recently had a student whose wife finally gave him an ultimatum—“You have to choose! It’s either me or school. You can’t have both.” That is the tragic end of a decision to pursue seminary that’s not made together.

Endure or Embrace?

Second, once we agree on the decision and take the plunge and head into this crazy world of seminary life, we choose one of two options: We endure or we embrace. To endure life as a seminary wife means we don’t complain when he stays up late to study, we don’t nag when doesn’t help give the kids their baths, we don’t whine when discretionary income is a distant memory. We bite our tongue and remind ourselves, this won’t last forever. Now that’s fine. It’s certainly better than a lot of responses. But it’s still incomplete. What I propose is that when God calls your husband to attend seminary, He calls you as well. In fact, I propose that your calling requires a steeper climb, a higher road, a costlier sacrifice. To embrace your husband’s calling to attend seminary means embracing the life that comes with that decision.

Now this will look different for every couple. I’m certainly not about to tell you how to do your marriage. Jeff and I have our ways of divvying up chores and responsibilities in a way that works for us. You have to find your own way. But embracing the call means joining him on the journey. The most difficult thing for couples in seminary is that fact that the husband is out experiencing profound spiritual truths, while the wife is often engulfed in the mundane details of work or home or kids or managing their life. So, how can we change this? Try reading a book he’s reading for class. Not enough time? Just read one chapter and discuss it with him. Read a paper he’s turning in and ask him about things that don’t make sense (or challenge him about things that aren’t well thought-through!). Visit a class once a month. Ask him to share with you some of the most impacting things he’s learning (and listen!). In short, as much as your schedule allows, experience seminary with him. Rather than seeing seminary as the enemy that prevents him from giving you the time and energy you desire, embrace it as a means of uniting with your husband in a whole new way. Join him on the journey.

And lastly, recognize that the spiritual and sensual are linked. Husbands can be tempted in good and bad ways during times of heightened spiritual experience. My pastor’s wife once told me, “My job is to seduce the pastor.” And that’s not degrading. You may write books, preach to thousands, have a successful career, raise children, empower people, but one of your jobs is to simply seduce the seminarian. Take it seriously.

That’s all for now. I’m thrilled to be included on this blog. I hope any of you wives and female students will contact me with thoughts, advice, woes, prayer requests, or questions. I’m just one girl, juggling the many hats we women are called to wear. My best to you all on the journey…it’s a sweet road ahead.

Transitioning one’s soul to finish the day well

This post was written by Jeff of deTheos. Jeff is married to Kari and they have a son, Dutch. Jeff is currently attending Multnomah Biblical Seminary.

This year marks five years of marriage for my wife Kari and I; and three years in seminary, as students together. We have enjoyed every season of it, yet at times the various schedules of work and seminary life have collided to create a holy anticipation of rest.

Last summer we moved closer to school and family (in with Kari’s parents for a season), while I commuted 90 minutes each way to work. The plan was to leave my career in construction management in mid-August, allowing for a week or two of rest before Fall semester. But after giving five months notice at my job, we entered August without a replacement and no plan for a transition. Wanting to serve my boss and friend well to the very end, I stayed on part-time after Fall classes commenced. Sixteen graduate credits, added to 20-30 hours a week of work, added to being an intern with our church, and oh yeah, being a husband (of a seminary student too) and father. Something had to give. Praise God my part-time duties at my former job only stretched into the semester two months, and we were able to breath a little bit. While I was exhausted, it was probably hardest on Kari and our young son Dutch.

I had been using up every one of the 5,400 seconds during my commute home each night returning calls, processing the stress and strain of the day’s projects, and often listening to part of an audio sermon and worship music. Each night I arrived home emotional spent, and was ready to simply check out for the evening. But Kari and Dutch deserved so much more! He was growing up while I was away each day; Kari was clamoring to hear any news from the outside world (as we lived then and now with her parents). I simply gave her my mental left-overs.

In the middle of this season I read a quote from a book by pastor C.J. Mahaney. In Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God (pp. 49-50), he writes about transitioning one’s soul during the commute home from work. It struck me as powerful, practical, and very effective for being essentially a small thing. Seeking to do this has had great impact on our home life, and it is easy to tell when I haven’t paused and calmed my soul to be “all there” at home after a long day in class or at work. Let’s strive to be better husbands and fathers. Here is Mahaney’s story (emphasis added):

“When our first two children were still quite young, I realized that my commute home in the evening was functioning as little more than a review of my day. As far as I was concerned, by the time I got in that car, my responsibilities were pretty much over until the next morning. I saw my home as a refuge, a place where the emphasis, for me, was on being served rather than on leading and serving with Christlike love.”In God’s mercy, he showed me the selfish motivation I was bringing home each evening. I saw that my commute could be best utilized as a time of transition, so that I might be prepared to finish the day by loving and serving my family well.

“So I made a practice of pulling the car over a few blocks from home so I could take a couple of minutes to make an effective transition in my soul. There on the side of the road, I meditated on Ephesians 5 as well as on some other passages. I confessed to God my sinful tendency to be selfish and sought to prepare my heart to serve my wife and children when I arrived home. In this way I learned to see my home as the context where I have my greatest privilege and opportunity to serve. This practice had a transforming effect, allowing me to walk through the front door with the mind and heart of a loving servant-leader. By God’s grace, I found it an excellent help in building a loving marriage, enjoying my family, and minimizing regret.”

There I find a practical, everyday example of being a selfless husband, rooted in the theology of Christ. Even now when my commute can vary from 10-60 minutes, the last part is best served to calm and transition my soul. That way I am better able to walk in the Spirit home and give Kari and Dutch much more than the left-overs of the day. Praise the Triune God for His patience with us.

Date Night

I once had a pastor who had the Rule of 7:

Every 7 days take your wife on a date
Every 7 weeks take your wife on a weekend get-away
Every 7 months take your wife on a week’s vacation

Now, that sounds all good-and-well but my mental calculator (crummy as it may be) added that up to EXPENSIVE.

So, what are we to do? Before I go into how Just a Gal and I do date night, please feel free to comment with your experience. I’d love to hear how you and your significant other date. How often do you get away? What do you do? Do you budget for date night? Is it a regular event on your calendar?

Well, for me and Just a Gal we do a couple things. For one, we have a TV date night once a week. I stop my work and studies and we sit on the couch for an hour or two and watch shows we’ve TiVo’d. Watching shows on TiVo means we can cut commercials and save some time. (For inquiring minds, we mostly watch LA Ink, House, and Iron Chef America) While this is, admittedly, a lame date… it is nice to just relax and kick back with some chocolate chip ice cream and be together.

Second, we go on a real date every 4-6 weeks. We don’t get to do this too often due to $$$. We’ve got Sweet Pea and Little Man, so you can tack on and extra $20-$30 for childcare. On top of that, I really like good food. So, when we do date night, it is all about dinner. Rarely do we go to the movies or do anything else that costs money, instead we dump all the date night funds into the meal. For me, there is something truly wonderful about sitting and enjoying a spectacular meal together with someone you care about. Sure, sharing a meal at your favorite Mexican restaurant is nice, but on these rare times I get to be alone with my wife outside our house it is amazing to be able to sit in a quiet, dimly lit, restaurant as your savor succulent course after course. The beauty is that at a nice restaurant your meal should last an hour or two. So, there you sit, the two of you… simply enjoying being together.

Now, personally I have a rule when we go out to eat and that is, if you want it, get it. The point of the rule is that Just a Gal is the penny pincher in this marriage. So, if we went out to eat without this rule then she’d always end up getting the appetizer portion of a crab cakes or something for her main course… However, I know that deep down she wants the rack of lamb with garlic truffle mashed potatoes and chocolate covered bacon (seriously, that was on the menu on our last date). The logic for the rule is this… is it really fun if you go somewhere and really want something on the menu but then get something you don’t want… just to save some money? You spend the rest of the meal thinking, “I wish I got that thing with the chocolate covered bacon…” So, that is our rule… get the meal you want.

Now, you are probably thinking, what the heck… are you mr. bankroll or something? I can’t afford that.

Well, think through a typical date (or what I assume to be a typical date):

Dinner for 2 plus tip - $40
Movie and popcorn - $30
Coffee and tea - $10
Total = $80 +/-

So, for me and Just a Gal, we nix everything else and dump it all into the meal. We typically spend between $70 and $85 on our date night meal and we ALWAYS have a good time.

Now, I’m not saying that this is for everyone. Your budget and your lifestyle are probably different than ours… heck, you might not even like chocolate covered bacon. But for me (and I think this is the point of the post) is that date night should be special. While in seminary, and the rest of life won’t be much different, your reschedule is busy. Taking time to be together and doing something your really enjoy, sharing it together, is truly important. Don’t neglect it. Don’t forget to go on a date!

Seminary Orientation

I’m 30 years old… the last time I went to an orientation for school was… 12 years ago.

Today is new student orientation at my seminary and me and Just a Gal will be heading over to campus while Just a Brother watches the Little Man and Sweet Pea (a funny blog post in its own right, I’m sure).

After orientation tomorrow, it is GO time… my first class begins Tuesday evening at 6:00 p.m. I’m a little bummed about that because I am a morning learner… So, we’ll see how I handle 3 hours at night.

It is kind of surreal to think that it is all happening now. After 7 years of thinking about attending seminary… I’m about to being my first full-time semester. I have mixed emotions… will it be all I hope it will be, will it be harder than I think, can I really handle the pressure, am I as smart as I think I am? The question keep coming and, I guess, only time will tell.

Just a Gal is pretty nervous too. She’s only taking one class, but school has never really been her thing… top that off with being in a class, most likely, 95% guys… 95% of which have been in seminary for more than 1 class… and you can imagine how she feels. That said, I’m really excited for her (and her classmates). Just a Gal is truly amazing. She knows her stuff and I think it will be good for all these future pastors to hear the theological thoughts of a mother and wife who is at seminary so that she can simply be a better mother and wife. Sure, these guys will probably know bigger words than her and will have a lot more books on their shelves… but Just a Gal wrestles with the Gospel every day as she deals with two kids under 4 and a husband that… well… is me!

I think it going to be really cool to see how it all goes… for her and for me.

Ok… strap on your seat belts… the ride begins now!

Tough transition day

My heart broke today.

I walked into the kitchen to fix some lunch and saw my wife crying… enough said, right?

I walked up and simply held her.

“I’m sad,” she said through her tears. “I miss my friends.”

There wasn’t much to say except that I understood and that I wished I could make things easier… but I can’t. I can simply hold my wife, love her, and pray for God’s grace during this time in our lives.

The fact of the matter is that I’m sad too… Moving is hard, no two ways around it. We’ve left our best friends in the world hundreds of miles away and now we sit in a new house, new town, new church… not much is familiar… no walking into church and looking to your left to see ____ and ____. No knowing that when you go to the coffee shop you’ll likely run into ____. No calling up _____ and _____ to come over for dinner. It is tough.

I’ve spent time today dwelling on the Gospel and reminding myself that my King also had to leave the place he knew, a place he loved… he left the throne of heaven and came to live and die on earth. That has helped… staring at Jesus usually does… but it is still a battle.

I’d be humbled and honored if you could take a moment and say a prayer for my family.

My hope is built
on nothing less
than Jesus blood
and righteousness.

I dare not trust
the sweetest frame
but wholly lean
on Jesus name.

Edward Mote c.1834

Date Night, Marathons, and Seminary… huh?

Just a Gal is a runner. She loves to run… Me, not so much…

Last night was date night and I took Just a Gal out to see Spirit of the Marathon. Chronicling the lives of 6 individuals preparing to run in the 2006 Chicago Marathon, the movie takes a look into the motivation, drive, and training necessary to complete the grueling task of running 26.2 miles.

As I sat in the theater (eating my buttered pop-corn and drinking my soda) I couldn’t help but be amazed. From the over weight single mom trying to get back in shape to the Olympic bronze medalist trying to finally win a marathon, these men and women ran… and ran… and ran…

Watching the movie I could not help but think about life, ministry, and seminary. Here are a couple of my musings:

Training is important - You don’t just wake up one day and go run a marathon. It takes training… lots of training…

The same goes for ministry. Whether you are going to pastor a church or pastor your family you have to work hard. You have to read. You have to pray. You have to study. If you don’t the race will probably crush you.

Training requires community - All the runners had a community that helped them train. Whether it was going on runs with them, watching the kids while they went out on long runs, or just cheering them on. All the runners had people supporting them and would not have made it without their support.

I thought a lot about this in relation to seminary. As students we need a strong community to help us train. We need our fellow students to challenge us and keep us on pace. We need loving family and friends to understand what we are doing and help us through the long hours of training. And, finally, we need some people to cheer us on and let us know we can do it. Community is important.

Having a goal is a great motivator - Race day is coming whether you like it or not. If you want to make it to the end of that 26.2 miles, you gotta get out of bed and get to work.

The apostle Paul knows what he’s doing when he uses the race metaphor 1 Corinthians 9. We are running for something far greater than a fancy t-shirt and a medal to hang around our neck. As we go through seminary, let us keep our eyes fixed on the goal… living a life to the glory of God.

It isn’t about the race - While the race is great, it only comprises about 1% of the experience. As cliche’ as it might sound, the marathon is more about the journey than the race.

When you are in seminary, don’t just look forward to some day when you be in “real” ministry. Look around you. God has placed you in a community, a city, a church… What you are doing right now is just as much a part of your life and ministry as “the race”…

For those who are interested, the movie (which was only scheduled to play for one night) is having an encore showing on February 21 (locations). Here is the trailer:

Advice for families going to seminary

While scouring the internet today for more information to help us all on our seminary journeys I stumbled across a great post on tHe Resurgence (not to be confused with theresurgence.com). The post, Advice for Seminary Students with Families (& Full-Time Jobs) give 17 spot-on nuggets of wisdom for the family seminarian. While you should check out Colin’s site, it is so good I’d hate for you to miss it in the case that you don’t want to click the link… so, at length, here are his 17 points:

1. You are not single without children. Your priorities are 1) God, 2) Family, 3) everything else. If you lose your family for your ministerial aspirations, you have lost your qualifications for the ministry.

2. If you need A’s and B’s for possible doctoral studies, take fewer classes rather than upsetting the priority list above. If you were an A student in college, you must get past the idolatry of the grade.

3. You may not always be able to read everything assigned in a class. Be judicious in what you set out to accomplish. Rank the importance of the texts at the beginning of the semester, acquiring the professor’s help if necessary, and start with those. You must be diligent in your reading, even if you are not a quick reader. Nonetheless, set a goal and a corresponding calendar to get all your work completed for each class, having the important texts read in case (err, when) an emergency crops up.

4. Get papers completed early and utilize the Writing Lab (or similar writing/tutoring service if available). Since you may not be able to read the quantity of books a single or non-father student will devour while in seminary, and therefore without the benefit of exposure to as diverse examples writing quality, you must pay attention to edits and critiques of your writing in order to improve.

5. Do not neglect Bible study and devotion times. You may have to change your routine or your devotion time during the day. You must spend time in the Bible to supplement your seminary education. This means that you should not neglect Bible study for an assignment (but neither should you use it as an excuse for not completing something due to poor planning or management).

6. Read wisely. Select your books carefully. Read reviews. Open the book before you read, peruse the bibliography to get a feel for what main sources the author draws from, read the biographical information about the author, note the publisher, and read the last chapter. This will get your mind in tune to the work and ready to glean its significant points. Unfortunately many books in the bookstore today hide significant points within sermon illustrations, anecdotes and useless repetition of nonsense instead of coming right out and saying, “This is my point/thesis, this is what it means, this is why it’s true and this is why its significant.”

7. Keep up with your languages (see this site for help)!! Michael suggests to take them early, and if you want to get done in 3-4 years, you must take them right away. Also, try to group classes (like OT + Hebrew, NT + Greek, Preaching + NT Greek, etc.) and remember many electives usually require more outside study time than core classes. Pick your electives very carefully, especially if you want a concentration.

8. Do not ever, ever decide on a professor based on his soteriology. But try to pick classes based on the professor you want to take. This may mean figuring out a way to take Tuesday and/or Thursday classes, or changing your schedule. Yet never dismiss a professor. God has something for you to learn in every class, and if you think otherwise, you don’t need to be in seminary.

9. Debate other students wisely. Michael’s advice here is spot on- make sure you know what you are talking about and be humble. If you are a Calvinist, try to steer clear of debates on Calvinism. Do not say anyone is “not God-centered.” For all, do not dismiss anyone out of ignorance. Too many who pipe up in class debates on the subject quickly reveal they do not know what is going on. Do not say Reformed Baptist churches should call themselves Presbyterian. Do not call everyone attending non-Reformed churches “man-centered” or “seeker-sensitive.” And don’t discuss soteriology the first time you meet someone.

10. Do not believe what blogs say about seminaries. Once you begin attending, the ignorance of many bloggers is revealed when you see things are directly opposite what they dogmatically claim. If anyone comments on the intellectual level of the faculty, it reveals a biblical-realism disconnect (i.e. an affinity to academy rather than biblical theology).

11. Don’t be loud. Don’t dominate conversations and theological discussion. Do not ask questions every class period, and do not ask multiple questions per class. Everyone in the classroom is paying money to hear the professor.

12. Having obligations such as a professional job and a family will preclude you from fitting in to the “campus crowd.” Expect not to be a favored student. Be careful who you partner with in accountability.

13. Do ministry. Do not fall into the trap that ministry begins after seminary. One example: have people over for dinner often. Ministry does not have to mean teaching a class at your church. In fact, if you are not already on staff somewhere, volunteer for jobs you may never have the chance to do again, like parking duty or cleaning bathrooms.

14. Men, support your family. Don’t be shy about accepting help when offered, even if it is enough to live on. This is God’s provision. However, going into chronic debt is not healthy. Do not put your babies in day care for seminary.

15. Do not neglect family devotion time. Catechize your children. Read through Scripture and doctrine with your wife.

16. Try hard. Seminary is hard work. It is harder than you can imagine. Know this, but determine to do the best you can do (given various circumstances) on every assignment. The rewards are sweet.

17. Exercise. For you husbands who love your wives, buy a jogging stroller (do they make four-seaters?) and take the kids off her hands in the evening while you get some exercise. Give her time alone to do her quiet time, cook, or simply catch her breath. What a great stress reliever for you both! (Thanks SelahV for the reminder)

Brilliant post Collin. You are to be commended!

Buy one get one free

So, are you married? Does your spouse want to get his or her degree as well? There might be a great opportunity available for you.

Many seminaries offer the spouse of full time students the opportunity to attend the seminary at no charge at all! Now, this is really an amazing offer. The catch is often that the spouse my “audit” classes for free. That just means he or she can sit in on the classes for free. However, there are a few seminaries that will actually offer your spouse to take classes FOR CREDIT! Now, THAT is amazing. Your spouse is a real student, with real coursework, receiving a real grade, that will result in a real degree. Can you imagine that, two degrees for the price of one!!!

Now, one challenge is that most of us can’t have both spouses attending seminary full time. So, how can you both get your degrees? Well, an admissions officer I spoke with recommended that one of you go full time halfway through the program, while the other goes part time. Then, when you hit the midway point of the program, switch. Your spouse goes full time, and you go part. The program takes longer, but again, 2 for 1 is worth it if you ask me.

So, as your looking at seminaries, be sure to ask the admissions officer what kind of opportunities there are for your spouse. You might be pleasantly surprised.